Sunday, January 17, 2016


I finally got around to doing another "day in the life" post about Megatron but I haven't really updated much on what's going on for myself.  Because the world doesn't always revolved around Megatron.  Ha.  Slow clap.

I'm now about 7 months into Weight Watchers and I'm soooo close to hitting the 30 pound mark.  I've officially lost all of the baby weight (not pregnancy weight but the "oh my gawd, my kid has a life threatening disease and I'm living on hospital food and stress" baby weight.) plus some.  I'm the lightest I've been since probably my freshman year of college.  I have roughly another 10 pounds to go before I will be smack in the middle of the healthy BMI range for my height.  I won't lie, it feels AMAZING!  Amazing in terms of how I feel physically because I'm running faster than I ever have before and with less effort.  I have more energy, which is helpful now that Megtron runs around a full speed.  Amazing in terms of my emotional health because I feel fit and strong instead of jiggly and sluggish and that alone does wonders for the psyche. And while I've never really focused too much on numbers, I've dropped 2 sizes.  Once I hit my goal weight, I'll be in single digit sizes for the first time since high school.  I never expected to see that number again! 

It hasn't been easy.  At all.  Especially since around Thanksgiving when Weight Watchers changed their point system.  I was so successful on the old system that I was reluctant to the change but I tried to embrace it and get on board.  And failed.  I hated it.  I felt deprived all the time (while it was hard before, I never felt like I was starving or depriving myself) and that was just irritating.  I got a horrible sinus infection around the same time so I ate a bunch of comfort food and it was like opening Pandora's box.  I had a hard time getting back at it, especially since it was so much more difficult than the previous point system.  I'll be honest, I still don't like it.  At all.  But I'm so close to my goal weight, that I'm forging ahead.  I've done much better the last 2 weeks and while I don't weigh in again until Tuesday, I know I will be down. 

While I haven't posted anything about running in awhile, I'm still at it, as usual.  I actually did a 7 mile (plus some because the course was way long) race today.  Weird distance but it was cheap and my friends were all doing it.  I had planned to run it with Megatron in the stroller but it was absolutely frigid so he stayed home with grandma.  I don't have any other running races scheduled for the year yet so I've been hanging out around 3-4 miles for my short runs and anywhere from 5-8 for my long runs.  I need to sit down and decide what races I want to do and what is in the budget.  Especially since I dropped a decent chunk of change to do a half Ironman relay later this year.  Yup, you read that right.  This former Gym Class Dropout is registered to do the swim leg of a 70.3 mile triathlon.  I'm not even doing to running leg!  I am doing the leg that will be most difficult for me to train for because I can't exactly swim laps with Megatron.  Well I'm sure I could pull him in a boat like Team Hoyt but I doubt he would sit still long enough. 1.2 miles of swimming and I haven't swam laps of any kind in 3 years? Why not, when have I ever shied away from a challenge?  Ha!  I haven't started training for it yet since it's in August but I'll definitely be posting about that progress.

So that brings me to my other of the biggest challenges I've ever had to tackle.  PTSD.  Like I mentioned in that post, it's been a process trying to deal with and let go of some of that trauma.  I don't know why, but I'm incredibly hard on myself.  It is like I have an inner mean girl trying to shame me when I have flashbacks.  Which is sooo not helpful.  Instead of being kind to myself and letting myself feel the emotions as they happen, I just get angry and annoyed that my brain is still pulling up scenes form the time when Megatron was sick.  And when I say scenes, I'm not exaggerating in that that my brain is able to play it over just as if it were happening again.  I can close my eyes and suddenly I can actually feel myself sitting in the ICU.  I can smell it.  I can hear every beep of Megatron's IV and feeding pumps and hear rate and pulse oxygen monitors as well as in the surrounding rooms.  I can recall specific conversations with doctors and nurses (but yet if someone were to ask me about a specific moment, I have a hard time remembering the details).  It's certainly getting easier though.  Instead of flashbacks happening every night, it's now about once a week which means I'm sleeping much better these days!  Or sometimes I'll have a fleeting moment during the day.  Seeing/hearing helicopters, especially if I can recognize it as a MedFlight, makes my heart ache.  Same with ambulances (coincidentally, it was 2 years ago today that Megatron and I both added "first ambulance ride" to each of our baby books). 

I felt like I was making great progress but had a bit of a setback a couple months ago when I had to have my own endoscopy (I've had reflux ever since I got pregnant with Megatron and I'm finally getting around to trying to take care of that).  Something about that endoscopy was a trigger for me.  It physically made me ache to remember how many times Megatron has had scopes and other procedures and surgeries.  There I was in a room having the exact procedure my infant had had done multiple times.  It sucked.  I wasn't sleeping again and then when it came time to have an additional test to find the cause of my reflux, I had a complete panic attack and couldn't complete the test.  Which just made me angry and frustrated and continued the cycle of not sleeping and having vivid flashbacks.  I was a mess again.  It was understandable, and probably not a surprise to anyone who knows our story, that something about that environment would stir up some bad memories but that mean girl is just so impatient and frustrate that this is still such a big challenge for me. But I did what I do, I worked through it.  Ran through it (my poor running partners). Cried through it.  And I'm finally back to a much better place.  There is still work to be done but I'm plugging along.  And trying to be much kinder to myself!  The rest of the world seems to be giving me all kinds of grace so the pressure I'm putting on myself to get my act together is all me, so it's time to be a little nicer and more patient.

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